Although our focus has been on the benefits of yoga for people living with cancer, we acknowledge and promote yoga as a way to lead a healthy lifestyle and maintain positive well-being for anyone. The following is a deeply personal story shared by one of our beloved volunteers, as she describes her first acknowledgments of a disease, and how she hopes to use yoga on her healing path.
Hi. I have volunteered for Yoga Bear in the capacity of teaching yoga and doing a little blogging. In these pursuits, I have been dedicated to Yoga Bear’s cause, in particular, my strong belief that yoga can greatly aid in the healing process. Because Yoga Bear is dedicated to bringing yoga to survivors, amongst other things, we mostly focus yoga and cancer.
My father died from lung cancer, although he had not been a smoker for over 30 years. He dealt with the stigma of people assuming he developed lung cancer because he was a smoker, therefore had somehow brought this disease upon himself; he deserved lung cancer. I watched him struggle with being stigmatized, a changed identity from healthy individual to cancer patient, to a prognosis of decreased life-span, his struggles to change his lifestyle, etc. With compassion and empathy, I stood by him.
Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with serious myelin sheath damage, nerve, and every symptom associated with axonal and neuronal changes. Many diseases fit this criterion, but mine is called Wernicke’s encephalopathy (WE). Over time a person can lose all control of their limbs, develop dementia, and eventually end up in a coma, etc. I was told most likely, because my own nerve damage was so severe, I’d likely develop dementia in two years. WE is associated with alcoholics. There’s the stigma--I must have been an alcoholic (I am not). However, WE is also associated with eating disorders. There are actually many neuronal/axonal diseases are associated with eating disorders, and many carry the same symptoms, outcomes and treatments of WE.
I have suffered on and off for the past 22 years, quietly, with anorexia, which morphed into bulimia. I have also used my sugar addiction (yes, addiction) to cope with emotional distress. I am suddenly faced with questions and thoughts such as, how can I value myself and my body, and do this? How can I teach yoga, practice the eight-limb path, infuse my teaching with the yoga sutras when I myself am a seemingly, living contradiction of all I have preached? Do I really want to live? Would dementia be such a bad thing? What are my goals now? Can I, should I date anyone, because why bring this to any relationship if I can’t even love myself, let alone, possibly die soon?
How did it get so bad? Years of being a ballet dancer, starving myself, having to give up ballet, and subsequently dealing with gaining weight as my body changed did not help. I didn’t want to lose my identity as a ballet dancer, so I wanted to stay thin. I began compulsively exercising (incidentally, a form of purging) kept my body fat, and weight, low. Sugar became my way of dealing with my emotions. Eating sugar meant gaining weight. So I exercised more. Then I discovered yoga. As I did more yoga, eating sugar became less of a problem, and I eventually stopped exercising compulsively.
Unfortunately, when I moved to San Francisco 14 months ago, I was alone, the city was more expensive than I thought, and I told myself I couldn’t afford yoga. I couldn’t find a job teaching yoga, either. I lost my job. Twice. My practice faltered. Gradually, I ate more sugar, and cookies became lunch. I began compulsively running so as not to gain weight. I began purging when running wasn’t enough.
As an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol, I am addicted to sugar. Seriously. I cannot exercise discipline with sugar, and anyone who knows me will verify that. However, eating healthy is the only way to halt further progression of WE. This also means ending the purging. Purging on healthy food isn’t any better than purging on junk-my body still won’t get the nutrients it needs.
Here I am, with a stigmatized disease, questioning my identity and beliefs, facing my own mortality and wondering if I can make the lifestyle changes.
One thing I know for sure, when I was practicing yoga regularly, and teaching, I never purged. I believe yoga helped strengthen my mind-body connection, strengthened my appreciation for my soul, and what my physical body could do.
My therapist tells me that yoga is not a valid treatment for an eating disorder. I told my therapist yoga healed me once before. He says try something different—like new medication, seeing an eating disorder specialist, but doesn’t believe yoga will help much. This seems to be the traditional approach to healing in this country.
I say, try the known path to home, to the heart. For me that is yoga. And I will do whatever it takes to practice daily and to heal myself. Two things we have to do in this life are to breathe in, and breathe out. I will get through this. One breath at a time, one asana at a time.